


Something in the Way I Wanna Cry

by cerezsis



Series: Two Space Wives and a Baby [1]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Child Death Mentioned, Darillium (Doctor Who), Discussion of Abortion, F/F, F/M, Forced Pregnancy, Genocide, Heavy Angst, Loneliness, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Nightmares, Original Alien Species - Freeform, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Post-Season/Series 12, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Pregnant Doctor (Doctor Who), Prequel, Rape/Non-con Elements, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Needs a Hug, Time Tots | Babies (Doctor Who), Unplanned Pregnancy, and a therapist, mention of miscarriage, the entire fam left the doctor after revolution of the daleks, the timeless child
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29947797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cerezsis/pseuds/cerezsis
Summary: The Doctor has become pregnant through less than ideal circumstances and has a series of difficult decisions to make. Fortunately, a few of her old friends are here to help.Prequel to Say You’ll Stay with Me Tonight
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor & Original Character(s), Thirteenth Doctor & The Doctor's TARDIS, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song, Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Series: Two Space Wives and a Baby [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174205
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Something in the Way I Wanna Cry

**Author's Note:**

> Title is once again inspired by the song Walk Me Home by P!nk 
> 
> In case you haven’t read the tags, there’s some pretty heavy rape/non-con analogies in the first chapter. Tread cautiously.

Stepping out of the TARDIS, the Doctor was immediately met with the sight of a white marble building. Above the entryway, the words _Safeguard Life Institute_ were displayed in big, gold letters, and a decal of a gold heart with a lock on the inside was displayed across the glass doors.

“The Safeguard Life Institute: bringing life throughout the universe,” the Doctor explained, a hopeful grin on her face, “They aim to repopulate endangered races, but they also keep records of even the most obscure species in the known universe. If anyone were to have knowledge on the Timeless Child, it’s-”

She’d turned around to face her companions, only to be met with the reminder that she was alone. Her smile faded, and her gaze dropped to the ground. It had been almost a month since she and the Fam parted ways, but she still kept forgetting that they were gone.

Trying to shrug it off, she held her head high and headed inside. The building’s interior design matched its purpose perfectly, a mix between a hospital and a library. Walking the halls, even the staff members wore everything from cardigans and jeans, to scrubs and lab coats. Species of all sorts were around every corner, from humanoid, to gelatin blobs, to what looked to be a sentient hairball. The sight of it all made the smile return to the Doctor’s face. All these beings, coming together with the singular goal of spreading life and helping it thrive. With all the death she’d seen lately, it was a refreshing change of pace.

As she continued towards the information center, the sound of worried chatter caught the Doctor’s attention. Following the sound, she found herself entering a patient room, where five large beings stood huddled around something she couldn’t see. Based on their appearance – all five resembling man-sized snapping turtles without their shells – the Doctor guessed they belonged to the dwindling Pendrachena race.

“Everything alright in here?” the Doctor asked.

The five of them halted their conversation and turned to face the woman. With their postures straightened, the Doctor now had a better view of what they were huddled around. It was an incubator, inside of which sat three eggs, all about the size of two human fists clasped together.

“Oh yes, everything’s fine,” the female of the group assured her, though her voice contained traces of anxiety, “Pardon me for asking, but who are you? I haven’t seen you around here before.”

“I’m the Doctor.” She grinned at the five of them as she stepped inside. “Not part of the staff, just passing through. Is that your clutch in there?”

“Oh yes, they’re mine. I’m Alimina.” She looked to the others with her. “These are my husbands: Javikra, Lutta, Ishish, and Natimari.”

“My mates call me Tim,” the last one to be introduced said, a friendly grin on his face.

The Doctor nodded. “Nice to meet you all.” She stepped closer to the incubator, crouching down to observe state of the eggs. “Everything all right with these guys? You sounded a bit worried there.”

“Oh, all tests say they’re all right on schedule,” Alimina assured her, “I’m afraid I’m just a bundle of nerves. You see, we… we lost two clutches before.”

The four males nodded in unfortunate confirmation. The Doctor looked to them, sympathy clear on her face.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you,” Alimina said, “This one started out with fifteen, but most of them weren’t viable. These three were the only ones to make it.”

“Our whole race is counting on this clutch,” Ishish added, “Only a few hundred of us survived the nuclear winter. It’s been a fight to rebuild ever since.”

“And with famine and lack of resources, bringing up a successful clutch naturally is almost impossible,” Lutta chimed in, “It’s been five years since our kind have raised a clutch to hatch.”

Javikra put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “The SLI have already helped the rebuild movement so much. We’ve had more clean water and food grown on-world than we’ve had since before the war. These three are alive because of them, and they won’t stop until the Pendrachena race is back to sustainable numbers.”

The Doctor’s attention turned back to the clutch. It was small, yes, but the shells looked tough, and the coloring was just right. Looking back up at the expectant parents, she flashed them a reassuring smile.

“Everything’s looking great here. I’d say you’ll be holding your hatchlings any day now.”

“You’re certain?” Alimina asked, “Are you a doctor of medicine?”

“Among other things. I get it, worrying about your kids, but they’re doing great. And so are the lot of you.” She stood up straight and turned back towards the door. “I’ve gotta get going. Good luck to you.”

\--

Sixteen hours had passed since the Doctor arrived at the institute. It was nearly five in the morning, and she was still sifting through the archives. Technically, she wasn’t supposed to still be there, as the library portion of the building closed to the public several hours ago. She also wasn’t supposed to be in this room at all, having only gotten access thanks to her sonic. Most information gathered by the Safeguard Life Institute was made available to the public, but some things were too sensitive to be so widely accessible.

The information she was looking for would surely be in here. If the Safeguard Life Institute had anything at all on the Timeless Child, or the true history of the Time Lords, the restricted archives would be the only place they _could_ store it. If such documents existed, even just a single page, the Doctor was determined to find it. She had a right to it, after all. It was _her_ past, _her_ origins. She would unravel the mystery, even if it took the rest of her lifetimes. 

The sudden click of a lock made the Doctor’s head snap up. The door was opening, someone was coming in. Not wanting to waste time justifying her presence – or worse, risk being kicked out – she quickly ducked behind a row of shelves. Peeking through a gap in the rows, she watched as a young man in blue scrubs stepped inside.

Unaware of the Time Lord’s presence, the man casually made his way through the aisles. The Doctor held her breath as he passed her by, managing to remain undetected. From her crouched position, she was able to make out the name Cynbel on the ID around his neck.

The sight of his ID raised immediate suspicion in the Doctor’s mind. The strip under his name was green, the lowest security clearance of the staff. Only staff with purple clearance or higher were allowed in these archives. She watched; eyes glued to him as he turned onto an aisle a few rows down. The look in his eyes as he thumbed through files unsettled her, a determined malice with not even a flicker of hesitation.

After a few minutes, Cynbel picked up a largely packed file folder, giving it a quick look-through before stuffing it under his arm. Having gotten what he came for, he turned around, and the Doctor again held her breath as he passed by. Conjuring up every shred of stealth she had, she followed after him, just barely making it out the door before it closed.

Cynbel kept a calm, casual pace as he walked through the halls. With most of the building still closed to the public, the halls were quieter and less trafficked than they’d been when the Doctor arrived. Knowing this left her vulnerable to being caught, she kept a safe distance and looked around nonchalantly, hoping to give the impression that she’d simply gotten lost.

Eventually, Cynbel turned into what looked to be a staff room. The Doctor slipped in behind him, kneeling behind a garbage bin near the door. With his back turned to her, he began pulling sheets of paper out of the file and putting them through a paper shredder.

If she wasn’t convinced before, this definitely set off alarm bells. Documents important enough to be stored in the restricted archives surely weren’t supposed to be disposed of in such a manner, much less by someone who didn’t even have clearance to access them. As each bit went through the shredder, the sickness in the pit of the Doctor’s stomach grew. This ward was too isolated to risk causing a scene, but each _whir_ of the shredder left the rancid taste of genocide in her mouth.

With the last of the document shredded, Cynbel turned and walked off. The casualness in the way he carried himself was sickening, and the Doctor could only hope that she could somehow restore the information that was just lost. The burning of anger and disgust in her core, she continued her silent pursuit. They soon came to an even more secluded ward, this one full of dimly lit, empty patient rooms. Turning into one of the rooms, Cynbel approached one of the beds and closed the curtain that surrounded it. As quietly as she could manage, the Doctor approached, peeking behind the curtain just as Cynbel finished entering a code into the watch-like device on his wrist.

A holographic screen hovered in front of Cynbel. After a few rings, the face of an old man appeared on the screen, and he wasted no time getting down to business. “If you’re calling me, I’m assuming that means you’ve completed phase one.” 

“Yes, sir. All files concerning the Micole race have been disposed of.”

The mystery man nodded and gave a satisfied grinned. “Good, good. You’ve done the cause proud, Cynbel.”

Unable to see his face, the Doctor could only assume that Cynbel was grinning with just as much pride. “Phase two will commence immediately. I’ve obtained everything I need to contaminate the embryos.”

The man started to nod, but his expression suddenly changed, falling to one of disapproval. “And you’re sure no one suspects you?”

“I’m absolutely sure, sir. I’ve covered my tracks perfectly. No one suspects a thing.”

“You think too highly of yourself, Cynbel. That ego of yours will cost us everything if you don’t get it in check.” His gaze suddenly turned to the Doctor. “That woman behind you just heard everything.”

The Doctor’s stomach plummeted. Before she could hide, Cynbel spun around, spotting her instantly.

“Clean up your mess, Cynbel!” the man demanded, “Get rid of her!” 

As the screen faded away, the Doctor wasted no time taking off running. Cynbel sprinted after her, at first following close behind, but soon found himself lagging. The Doctor almost smirked. Seemed he wasn’t as used to running as she was.

Rounding a corner, the Doctor spotted a nurse’s station at the end of the hall. Through the door’s window, she could see there was at least one person inside. The Doctor grinned as she got closer. With any luck, she’ll be able to apprehend Cynbel, stop him from doing even more harm, and – with even more luck – undo the damage he’d already caused.

Almost as soon as the thought went through her head, the Doctor felt a sharp pinch on the back of her neck. Before she could fully comprehend what was happening, her vision started to blur, and her thoughts started to get fuzzy. She tried to press on, but her legs suddenly seized, and the ground came rushing towards her.

Only vaguely aware of the impact, the Doctor struggled to feel around her neck. Fighting to stay conscious, she pulled off what struck her and held it close to her face. Her racing mind came to a screeching halt as she realized it was an anesthetic dart.

The world around her was spinning, and she could hear footsteps coming from behind. A cold panic struck every nerve in her body as she felt herself being lifted by her underarms.

“No,” she half-slurred, “N-!” She tried to get out more, but she was slipping away fast. What little cognitive thought she had left screamed at her to fight back, but her limbs felt like pudding. As her eyes closed and her head rolled back, the last thing she remembered was the sound of a door opening.

\--

_“Something tells me this isn’t about to take my blood pressure.”_ The man she’d been three faces ago said, before yelling in pain.

A barrage of memories began to flash before her eyes. The paralysis field back on Gallifrey, holding her in place as the Master stalked around her. That look in his eyes, like a predator sizing up its prey. She was completely at his mercy, unable to move and no one to call for help.

Flashes of the Timeless Child being forced to regenerating over and over. The experiments on them done against their will, and without any consideration for their comfort. That poor child, alone and scared. She still couldn’t decide if not remembering being that child made it better or worse.

Nineteen years in prison. Nineteen years alone, with only her thoughts. So alone, so without hope. Every day struggling to cling to sanity, the only thing keeping her going being the people waiting for her on the outside. She kept them waiting too long. By the time she got out, they’d moved on; on with their lives, on from _her_. Standing in her TARDIS, watching them leave. Nineteen years, and she was alone again.

Her first trip back to Gallifrey after banishing the Master and the Kasaavin. Everything destroyed, everything burning. All she fought to save, gone. All the guilt she’d finally let go of, now flooding back. The faces of those who stood by as her last face ate his soup, all flashing through her mind, all now dead. All those people, all those _children_ , slaughtered.

Death. Death was her constant companion, stealing away all the people she loved. Bill, Clara, Amy and Rory, River, and countless others were all dead because of her. Even the ones who survived were lost. Rose was trapped in another universe, Donna had no memory of her, even Nardole was stuck on a Mondasian colony ship. There was no one to blame but herself. She lured them in with the promise of time and space, and they paid the price. All of them.

She wanted to scream, to cry out. She _was_ screaming, she _was_ crying out, but it all got lost in a void of nothingness. Despair, loneliness, fear, it all burned a hole in her chest.

_Please_ , she thought, desperately, _I can’t… Enough!_

Then, as if she’d finally been heard, the purgatory that engulfed her mind stopped. The Doctor looked around, finding that she was back in her body, rather than an abstract cloud of consciousness. The world fizzed around her in an almost-heavenly vortex. Was she dreaming? Or was this death?

Soon, the vortex faded, and the Doctor was surprised to find she knew exactly where she was. Darillium. She was in her house on Darillium, the one she and River resided in during their twenty-four years of bliss. It was just as it was when she left, except it was night again, a dark, starry sky visible from the window.

As she pondered what was happening, she heard a noise coming from down the hall. It was small and high-pitched, almost… almost like a baby’s cry. Almost timidly, she made her way towards the sound, finding it coming from the bedroom. She hesitated to open the door, afraid of what might await her on the other side.

Taking a deep breath, the Doctor turned the nob and slowly stepped inside. When she saw it… she couldn’t believe it. There was River, sitting on the edge of their bed, a swaddled infant in her arms. Her mind racing, she stared at her wife and – what she assumed to be – their child. This… this wasn’t…

Her head was still spinning when River glanced up, meeting her eyes. The curly-haired woman said nothing, just smiled at her as if nothing was wrong. Without even thinking about it, the Doctor approached her, eyes still wide with astonishment as she sat next to her on the bed.

“Is this heaven?” she asked.

River just smiled. The Doctor looked down at the bundle in her arms. Its face was obscured by the blanket, but the soft cooing noises were clear as day. Hesitantly, she reached out and began to pull the blanket down, hoping to see the little one’s face.

\--

The Doctor gasped as she sat up, adrenaline pumping through her veins. She felt dizzy, and her thoughts wouldn’t focus. Something… _something_ had happened, she knew that much, but the details were lost in a fog.

As she pushed herself to the edge of the bed, a mild cramping in her pelvic region became apparent, almost like her period was about to start. Groaning, she went to push some stray hair behind her ear, when she noticed something on the back of her hand. Holding it out in front of her, she saw that it was marked with a purple circle, no larger than a British pound, with a pink line running through it.

Before she could even begin to wonder what the meaning of it was, everything came flooding back to her. She was at the Safeguard Life Institute. A man name Cynbel shot her with anesthetics. And he was about to wipe out an entire race. Scrambling to her feet, she did her best to ignore her discomfort as she sprinted out of the room.

\--

The Doctor stood triumphant, watching with the higher-ups as the police placed Cynbel in handcuffs. He glared at her even as he was being escorted down the hall, but she just retorted with a smug smile.

“I don’t know how to thank you, Doctor,” the director of the institute said, “Without you, the Micoles would’ve been lost to the universe.”

The Doctor smiled at her. Before she could respond, the director took notice of her hand.

“And I see a congratulations is in order!”

The Doctor’s smile fell, and her eyes narrowed in confusion. “For what?”

Still grinning, the director gestured to the mark. “Your procedure was successful. And it looks like it’s a girl!”

The Doctor looked to her hand, silently staring at the mark for several seconds. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Your baby, it’s a girl. Purple circle, successful impregnation. Pink line, it’s a girl.”

The Doctor’s blood ran cold. She felt frozen in place.

“Didn’t the nurses go over this when you were being prepped?”

The Time Lord’s head shot up. Her eyes darted between the director and her hand. “No… No, I…” Her veins felt like ice, yet she sweated under her coat. “I came here to study the archives! I didn’t have any…”

The director’s expression fell. “You… You didn’t…” She turned white as a sheet as the situation fully hit her. “Oh my lord!” Her eyes darted around, before landing on one of the nurses. “You! You were on the progenation ward this morning! Get over here! _Now!”_

The nurse hurried over. Before she could get a word in, the director began her interrogation.

“Do you have any knowledge about the Doctor undergoing a progenation fertilization procedure?”

“Well, I know Lottie said she saw Cynbel take a patient back before we officially started the rota, but-”

The director’s eyes widened, and she looked as if she wanted to either scream or vomit. “Cynbel? _Cynbel_ took… What _exactly_ happened!?”

“I… I’m not quite sure, ma’am. I didn’t see it happen, but Lottie said she saw Cynbel carrying a woman down the hall, and he told her she was a patient. I… You’ll have to ask Lottie.”

The Doctor hearts were pounding in her chest, so loud she could almost hear them. The memory of Cynbel lifting her, her mind screaming at her to fight as her body went numb, flashed in her mind. Breathing was suddenly a struggle, and it felt as if an invisible force was crushing her chest in.

“Doctor, did you hear me?”

The director’s voice snapped her out of her trance. She looked up at her, but her gaze was miles away. 

“We’ll have it terminated right away!” the director promised, almost pleadingly, “No cost to you, for _any_ of this! In fact, just name a number, and I’ll have-”

“I…” the Doctor interrupted, her voice shaky and mumbled, “I have to leave.”

Without waiting for a response, the Doctor spun around and hurried off. She didn’t care what direction she was going, she just needed to get out of that building. 

“Doctor!” the director called after her, “Doctor!”

She didn’t stop, or even acknowledge her. She could hear footsteps following her, but they only made her walk faster.

The world around her became a blur as she hurried down the halls. She could feel the stares of others, hear the voices calling out to her, but all she could do was stare ahead and look for an exit. There was a high-pitched ringing in her ears, determined to be heard over the voices. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of the Pendrachena family, glancing out of their room with three cooing bundles in their arms. She tried to smile at them, but in her distress all she could manage was a twitch of her lips. 

“Doctor!”

She was running now. It was all she could do, give into that half-dazed need to run. The doors were in sight soon enough, and from there was the TARDIS. The ship must have sensed her distress, as the doors opened for her without even using her key. Slamming them behind her, she headed for the consol. She didn’t care where she ended up, as long as it was far away from there.

As the engines rumbled, her eyes were drawn to the mark on her hand. Just looking at it made her feel sick. She found herself heading toward the medical bay, pulling out scanners the moment she stepped inside.

_Name: The Doctor_

_Scanning For: Pregnancy_

The seconds felt like hours as the Doctor stared at the monitor. Her body was shaking, and she felt lightheaded from her struggle for oxygen. 

_Results: Positive._

The Doctor’s jaw dropped, and she let out a pathetic whimper. An image appeared on the screen, showing a tadpole-like creature with two beating hearts. It seemed the embryo’s development had been sped up to the fifth week.

A sob got caught in the Doctor’s throat. Her hands shook even worse than before as she frantically turned off the screen, and she again found herself staring at the mark. Full on hyperventilating, she raced to the nearby sink and began to scrub. She needed it gone, the sickeningly cheery colors. 

Steam rose from the running faucet, but the mark was still faintly visible. She scrubbed again, but she could still see it. She kept scrubbing, again and again, until her skin was bright red and starting to peel. Still, there was the faintest outline. Hot tears running down her cheeks, she collapsed to the ground. Forcing her fingers through her hair, she grabbed her locks by the fistful and let out a bloodcurdling scream.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're able to, please consider supporting my Patreon. Every little bit is appreciated, and helps me continue to focus on writing and to bring these stories to you! 😁❤ https://www.patreon.com/cerezsis


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